Mommy as a little girl

My first motherless Mother’s Day without you. I cannot even describe how this feels. All the painful commercials I’ve had to walk away from. Every email from some retailer I never should have given my email address sends me a little reminder:

“50% off handbags for mom!” “Tell mom how much you love her!” “Send mom flowers!” “Your mom deserves the best”.

I feel like writing back, “Don’t you know my mom died in June and that this will be my first Mother’s Day without her? I posted the obituary on Facebook. Get your creepy tracking software working correctly. Emails or no emails, Mother’s Day is coming, and my mother is gone. I’ve been dreading this day for ten months.

They have all just been a painful reminder of the relationship that I can no longer celebrate the way either one of us would like to. How am I to cope on a day dedicated to moms? My mom?

When you’re fortunate enough to have an affectionate and nurturing mother, you never stop craving her kind of love. She’s the only one who can make you feel it. After she’s gone, you futilely search to fill her void, but you’re trying to solve a riddle without an answer.

When she died, it was like a meteor hit; my foundation shook, I lost the things that were her, and I was left with a vast un-fillable crater. Motherly love is a story that has no end. I will never again be on the receiving end of my mother’s motherly love. I have started to learn that happiness and grief can co-exist. That time helps, even in the tiniest increments. That I don’t have to think about my loss every second of the day for it to matter. But I’m also realizing that once in a while it’s important to forget about happiness, and to focus on connecting with my mom instead.

Sunday, I will spend the day at my dad’s house. There will be food and laughter and many moments of happiness, as is inevitable when you’re with people you love. I will go to the cemetery to visit her grave. I won’t quickly delete the Mother’s Day emails that land in my inbox; I’ll let myself be reminded. I will look at photos of her, and watch videos of her, and I’ll miss her. Sunday is still Mother’s Day, happy or not.

Happy Heavenly Mother’s Day, Mom. I’m so grateful I got to have you for 58 years. I’ll love you forever and miss you for always.